Dad jokes

[Bulldog Wrestler]

Do you know the leading cause of dry hands?

Paper towels.

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

You can't blame anyone else if you fall in your driveway.

That's your own asphalt.

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

Why does my wife always wait until I'm at the opposite end of the house before asking me to “Mermn frner mernferr brnerfer!”?

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

Hummingbirds are just regular birds that don't know the lyrics.

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

“ehh, good enough.”

- Mediocrates

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

A wise man once told his wife: Nothing, because he was a wise man.

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

My landlord says he needs to come talk to me about how high my heating bill is.

I told him: "My door is always open."

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

I started reading a horror story in braille.

Something bad is about to happen - can feel it.

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

Police have confirmed that the man who tragically fell from the roof of an 18th floor nightclub was not a bouncer.

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

Humans really could have had a beautiful little existence on earth just creating art and eating fruit. Instead we have credit scores and taxes.

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

After ten years as Director of the “Ladder Enthusiasts Coalition,” I’ve decided to step down.

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

A good woman is always by your side during the bad times to remind you that none of this would've happened if you had just listened to her in the first place.

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

What do you give a sneezing snake?

AntiHISStamines.

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

A friend once told me, “You can’t go around saving everyone. They have to learn to save themselves.”

Great friend. Terrible lifeguard.

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

“We are not even close.”

- Romans building Rome, end of day one.

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

Two WiFi engineers got married.

The wedding was okay but the reception was amazing.

 

[D0GMATIC]

And old lady runs in to a police station "officer officer i have just been graped"
The police officer says "excuse me dont you mean raped ?"
She said " no there was a bunch of them "

Same old lady, at bingo . . . Said to her friend Edith "Did you come on the bus today dear"? to which Edith replied " Yeah, but I faked an asthma attack again"

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

NASA is launching a satellite to say sorry to the aliens.

They're calling it the Apollo G.

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

My doctor said that I might die because I accidentally consumed clay.

I'm shitting bricks to be honest.

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

I think my phone is broken.

I pressed the home button and I'm still at work.