Dad jokes

[Bulldog Wrestler]

My cloning experiments finally paid off.

I'm so excited, I'm beside myself.

 

[belmore_utd]

So cold I seen a dog this morning trying to jump start another dog

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

Why did the lion eat the tightrope walker?

He wanted a well-balanced meal.

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

I have one arm but I also have two arms. And while I don't have three arms, I do have forearms.

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

I would pay for an app that just had a gentle voice come on every 10 minutes or so and say, “Hey... stop clenching your jaw.”

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

What's the worst thing about ancient history class?

The teachers tend to Babylon.

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

A black hole walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender asks if he’d like to see a food menu.

The black hole says, “No thanks, I’m a light eater.”

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

Am giving away a legless parrot for free.

No perches necessary.

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

Don’t know who needs to hear this but no one is actually sorry to have missed your call.

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

Life is like a roll of toilet paper.

The closer it gets to the end, the faster it seems to go!

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

Two WiFi Engineers got married.

The wedding was so so but the reception was amazing.

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

Instead of water, I put redbull in the the back of my coffee maker this morning.

I was halfway to work before I realized I forgot my car.

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

A guy tried to sell me a coffin.

I told him that's the last thing I need.

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

You know when donkey followed Shrek home and just kept talking?

That's what it's like having kids.

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

Who can drink 5 litres of petrol and not get sick?

Jerry Can.

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

The 'are you a robot' challenges on websites are getting so difficult nowadays.

Every time I encounter one, I get so nervous I start sweating coolant.

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

Green is my all time favourite color.

I love it even more than blue and yellow combined.

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

Grocery store clerk: Did you find everything ok today?

Me, who couldn't find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: Yes.

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

That song "We're Not Gonna Take It" came out 40 years ago but I feel like we have, in fact, continued to take it.

 

[Bulldog Wrestler]

I never make the same mistake twice.

I make it a bunch of times just to be sure.